Glory Hole is go!
I have updated every other site except this one. DUH! That Glory Hole is out and about in the big cary wide world. We are going to run a contest soon to give away a copy. YAY! Cool prizes abound!
So, here is the cover of our book. Click it to go buy a copy so we can continue to torture the world with our prose. ... 'fuckin Phil.
Prologue - God-ish
This is a sneak peek. A preview of the prologue to The Apocalypse and Satan's Glory Hole. This has not been touched by an editor. Please keep that in mind as you read it. Apologies for any grammar mistakes.
HE is everything. He is Brilliance and Beauty. Glory and Power. White Hair and Chicken Pot-Pies.
He is God. Billions of humans weep for him. Pray to him. Kill in his name.
Omnipresence is exhausting. And fattening.
He sighs. Somewhere a blind man sees.
He has watched the humans he created destroy the Earth he gave them. He watched them destroy each other, then multiply like rabbits. He has watched them destroy every clever thing he ever guided. Like rabbit pot pies.
He frowns. Somewhere a crippled child trips and falls.
He feels the knock before it thunders around him. It ruffles the clouds that drift through the all encompassing brightness. He feels his angel’s impatience. He hates impatience. So now he is irritable. So now he has to eat. A chicken pot pie sounds delicious. The smell of processed chicken chunks, rehydrated peas and carrots, and flakey golden crust overwhelms his Godly senses. His worries are over humankind and their impending Apocalypse, but it washes away in a wave of chicken gravy.
He smiles. Somewhere thirty-seven coma patients simultaneously awake.
The end is upon the world and his angels are impatient. He knows Gabriel is knocking. He knows his angels are thirsting for battle. He is thirsty for gravy. No one has to die for gravy. They have waited and waited while the dark one’s plans grew bolder. That bastard child. He could find him with a glance and burn him to a cinder with a thought.
Pie sounds much more appealing right now.
A knock at his Heavenly door sounds again. He knows chicken pot pies can’t satisfy the masses the way they calm his tumultuous spirit.
"Humans,” He scoffs to himself in a voice that radiates and thunders.
“GAWD,” Gabriel yells before knocking again, “It’s time to go!”
God shivers. Somewhere an island sinks underwater.
He created the universe and now his creations annoy him. Pester him. Blame him.
Not all his creations, just humans.
“GAWD! We gotta go!”
Why did he model his angels after humans? Beelzebub modeled most of his demons from animals and nightmares. Angels were modeled solely from humans. Foolish mistakes, He’d do better next time.
He hiccups. A tidal wave erupts, killing all six thousand, four hundred and eighty two villagers living in its path.
Wait. That’s it.
Next time. Now can be next time.
“Gabe,” He shouts a split second before the large angel pounds on the door again, “calm down, my child.”
His side of the door is clear with wisps of fog drifting lazily. Gabriel’s side of the door is thick, tall, and wooden. Gabriel stares at it now as if it called his mom a whore.
He smiles again; six judges burst into flames.
“GAWD?!? Can you hear me?”
He sighs. A deaf man hears.
“Yes, Gabe. Can you hear me?”
“Yeah, I hear you, Gawd.”
“Good, my child. Now, go on without me.”
“Gawd, it is time for the Apocalypse. You’re kinda’ expected to make an appearance…”
“Yeah, I know. But, I got to honest with you, I’m over it.”
“What?”
“I’m not really in the mood for it anymore.”
“Uh, Gawd, I don’t think you can do that.”
He growls under his chicken breath; somewhere a volcano explodes.
“I can do whatever I want, Gabe. It’s a perk of being The Creator.”
Gabriel stammers on the other side of the door; unable to form words for his dismay and confusion.
“But what about…”
“Over it.”
“But..”
“Over it.”
“Well…”
“Over it, too.”
Gabriel stomps his foot in frustration.
“GAWD!”
“Calm down, Gabe. Don’t look at it like I’m deserting this entire plane of existence for another with no humans or human-like things. Look at it like you are being freed of your Celestial Servitude.”
“What are WE supposed to do?” The big angel whines.
“I don’t know, Gabe, I’ve got a lot on my plate right now. You know, with the new plane of reality and all.”
“Gawd, I don’t…”
“It is okay, Gabe, I know. Just go do whatever you want. If it is battle and Armageddon you seek, then bring your holy fury down upon your enemies. Just, eh, keep my name out of it, all right, Gabe?”
“Gawd,…”
“Okay, Gabe, I’m over this conversation. Have fun, buddy, and no hard feelings.”
Omnipresence is excited again. Creating again. Loving again.
“What is cooler than humans, other than Chicken Pot Pies,” he wonders aloud.
He smiles. Somewhere a turtleman becomes chief of a new tribe on a new planet in the middle of a new universe.
Gabriel turns to face the legions. Shock drains the color from his face and loosens his jaw muscles so that his mouth hangs and drools.
They stare in wonder as Gabriel rubs his chin, trying to figure out what to tell them. They figure it out when they blink and Heaven is gone. Where they were surrounded by clouds and brightness, now they are standing in the middle of a vast barren desert.
They look ridiculous in their shining battle suits, wings folded behind them. They bear arms of some sort while other have horns or trumpets.
“Uh, what just happened?” A pair in front ask in unison.
He’s over it,” Gabriel tells them with a shrug of his shoulders.
“He’s over it?” That would be Tony. He has been polishing his battle axe for months while watching American Idol reruns.
“He can’t be over it!” A perfectly sculptured face frowns. That would be his sister Tonette. She has a spear in one hand and a net in the other. She is addicted to gladiator porn and talks about capturing a few for her personal pets then raising them to fight in the pits once Armageddon is over.
Gabriel looks around the vast empty space of desert. Does it always have to start in the desert? Can’t the battle for earth start somewhere like Barbados?
“Ah shit. This isn’t even the right desert.”
The collected mass of angels sigh like a departing storm and drop their weapons in disbelief.
Thanks Lee Hartnup for the killer banner!
The Apocalypse and Satan's Glory Hole synopsis
This is a rough draft of the synopsis:
Armageddon arrived on a weekday which was really inconvenient for a lot of people, including The Four Horsemen. After their appearance on The Kayla Mangrabler talk show, they decided to go their separate ways and cause as much havoc as possible. Jesus has been stuck at the craps table for three days, sipping vodka and Redbull, completely missing the end of the world. But he is about to meet up with Death and go on a road trip that will test their resolve and blood alcohol content level.
Now, an unlikely band of heroes are going to Las Vegas to fight the apocalypse. Creepy Chuzz with his one armed, heroin addicted monkey Phil are heading there in a flying ice cream truck. His best friend Leon, now on the run from Pestilence who has his designs on the janitor’s bathtub LSD addled brain. Assuming he can escape the clutches of the insane Father Maniwhore.
Along the way they will encounter bouncing glory hole boxes, militant lesbians, an undead general, a flying demon named Princess Sally, hordes of zombies, and a trio of secret agents hell bent on delivering a cease and desist to Lucifer himself.
But they better hurry because the devil is rising in the desert, and he is hungry to start what his son could not. The apocalypse, but only if he can get it on with his giant floating glory hole.
Prepare to be ass-fucked into eternity.
